Recessed Led Lighting Knowledge Base
What kind of housing can i use for this LED recessed light? I bought http://cgi.ebay.com/LED-White-Recessed-Down-Light-Lamp-110-220V-7w-/260644656653?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item3cafa1d60d#ht_3013wt_1140 But the 4" non IC housing i have for it doesn't fit, what can I use instead? If you link me to a product that would be great. I'm installing these as recessed lights.
LED lights for Recessed? Hi all, i am planning to install recessed lights in my living room, there will be like 7-8 of them. and some more in bed room and other areas. But the electricity bill kills for so many recessed lights. Hence i was seeking information about installing led lights insead, which is lower in wattage and bright enough to lighten up the room. But they look all so expensive, anyone can guide me to cheaper but good led lights for recessed lighting.
LED Commerical Lighting for small business on a budget? Opening a furniture store and design studio. Would like track lighting and recessed lights. Space is rented so want to keep budget low, but also keep electric bill low. Understand LED is energy efficient etc., but I am working with a small budget. If conventional fixtures have to do, are there any special bulbs that won't emit as much heat. Thanks
recessed lights: LED, CFL or regular? I am doing remodeling of my house and going to put 6-8 recessed lights on the living room ceiling. When I am shopping for the type of recessed lights, I found there are 3 major types - LED, CFL and regular. Regular is the most economical ones, we can put regular light bulb or the spiral energy efficient bulbs; CFL comes in just bright white light and no other warming color bulbs, but it confirms to the CA energy efficiency (use 75% less energy); LED is the most expensive one, but it looks good and the most energy efficient (use up to 90% less energy). I was also just told by someone that if we change any electric components in the house and install recessed lights, we need to get permits for government; and the government would give out permit only if we install CFL or LED since California passed the energy efficiency law in 2008. If we do not have permits, property insurance may dismiss the claim later on if they perform an audit in order to process the claim. So it sounds like we should first get the permit, then go with LED lights? Is that the right way to go? Sounds like this may take quite a while and quite costly. Any suggestions??
led lighting and three way laminating switches.? i was in the process of changing over my hallway lighting to led. Now, the recessed lights are on three way switches, that have lights in them like "night lites". After the change over, I noticed the led's had a dim glow after they were switched off. The bath lights glow after switch-off, but it kind of fades to black. but that's not the case in the hallway. I this normal?
Should I replace R20 incandescent recessed lights on dimmers with LED or compact fluorescent? I have recessed lighting in my kitchen and also in my basement bar/rec room. All are R20 bulbs and all are on dimmers. I want to keep the dimmers but am considering making a switch to either LED or compact fluorescent. I want to keep a "warm" light color in both. I feel like I'm changing a bulb once a week and am looking for something with longer life. I don't care that much about the energy efficiency benefits (although it would be nice) but I'm more interested in getting more bang for my buck in terms of the bulb itself (while still keeping that warm light). I know I need to look for "dimmable" CFL's and LED's. Which one(s) should I get and why?
Would you replace traditional recessed flood bulbs with LED bulbs? I've recently purchased a home and it has a very nice finished basement, complete with recessed lighting. It actually has 13 recessed lights that currently have 65w indoor flood lights in them. I want to replace them because the amount of heat they generate is stupid - my friend and I were just sitting watching TV one day with these lights on it was literally about 15 degrees hotter than outside. So I've purchased a few CFL, eco-friendly lights just to put them in to test which ones I like/don't like before I replace them all. Right now, I'm leaning towards the Philips Ambient LED Indoor Flood that I purchased for a test. The problem is that they're roughly $35 a bulb and total replacement would be around $420 just for lights!! So my question is - is it actually worth it to replace these bulbs with these expensive lights? As we get our basement setup, I believe we'll spend most of the time down there and I don't want to be cooking under hot lights. I do like these LED's, but the price is killing me.
are LED lights worth the cost in a kitchen remodel? Getting an entire kitchen remodel and can't decide if the cost of the LED's vs traditional lighting with CFL's is the best way to go. Some will be LED's (under cabinet puck lights are now available at Lowe's for $29.99 in a 3 pack) but the others I am not sure of. I have heard the LED lights are very directional (the lights in question would be in the ceiling, used as the main room lighting and a 3 light fixture over the sink). It would cost approx $165 more to use LED on 3 ceiling recessed lights (I can only use recessed as they are in front of cabinet doors) and to switch the halogen fixture to LED bulbs. I know I do not want any halogen due to the heat it produces (and I live in Florida :-) The cost difference is a consideration, but the directional light issue, amount of light I'd get and the quality of light is the biggest consideration. thanks for any help and experience you can share!
LED lighting too weak? i went into B&Q and they told me not to buy LED lighting for my kitchen as it didn't cast enough light. (im trying to build an eco friendly [low cost]) home can anyone confirm of deny this as i was quite keen on them, and they are very energy efficient. the kind im looking at are the recessed type that will fit flush with the ceiling. the ones i was looking at are like these http://www.diy.com/diy/jsp/bq/nav.jsp?action=detail&fh_secondid=9746625&fh_view_size=150&fh_location=%2f%2fcatalog01%2fen_GB&fh_search=LED+lighting&fh_eds=%C3%9F&fh_refview=search&ts=1250417618528&isSearch=true http://www.diy.com/diy/jsp/bq/nav.jsp?action=detail&fh_secondid=10187774&fh_view_size=150&fh_location=%2f%2fcatalog01%2fen_GB&fh_search=LED+lighting&fh_eds=%C3%9F&fh_refview=search&ts=1250417620060&isSearch=true
I need a low heat light bulb cfl or led? I have recessed lighting, and want bulbs with low heat as summer is coming and too save energy. Which would be the better option? I also have dimmer switches on all my fixtures.
12 volt lighting for Home? Just thinking thing over. Want to install a 120 volt AC to12 volt DC converter, as the ones found in most RV's. The 12 volt would be used power 12 volt light fixtures as one found in RV's, and Marine crafts. The 12 volts could be used with a solar panel. The solar panel would be used to charge a 12 volt battery(s), and the 12 volt battery could be used to power the lights during the night. I thought of using resistors for each light within the low voltage lighting electrical wires to control even distribution of lighting. The 12 volt distribution panel http://www.bestconverter.com/assets/imag... can as a battery charger when needed. This panel is rated a 50 amps. A few more 12 volt recessed lights http://www.swego.com/12_volt_recessed.ht... mostly rated at 10 watts and these are xenon lights. The electrical lines would be anywhere from 10 feet to the longest run of 70 feet. The electrical wire would be 12/2 CL2 rated for low voltage wires. The 12 volt distribution panel will power the lights and can be used to charge a 12 volt battery when needed. I would then add a toggle switch to shut of power to solar panel when not in use. The reason I choose the 12 volt distribution panel because this system had the built in led lights for the blown fuse detection and the fuses are a safety feature in case things go bad with lights or 12 volt fixtures. There for twelve of the 10 watt recessed lights will add up to 120 watts. 120 watts divided by 12 volts will equal to 10 amps. This would still leave 40 amps for landscape light or other 12 volt lights. There are options on adding 12 volt fans, and 12 volt appliances. If needed I would add extra auxillary 12 volt transformer to power the heaver amperage fixtures .... etc... I'm thinking this setup would pay for it self with a short time once in use. what do you think? "Hope this helps explain why 12 vdc systems are not economic or practical on a residential basis." please elaborate on this answer. This will be for walkway lighting, nice and low lumens. This will be for areas that just need a little lighting. I guess I should of added that my house will be wired for 120 volts thru out the home and outside of home. For the better lighting and lumens. The 12 volts would be for general and walk area lighting.
Why do LED lights flicker when tankless water heater is running? I have recently installed LED lights in recessed cans in my living room. They are 65w equivalent, but only draw 10.5 watts, and are dimmable. I have them on the correct dimmer switch for LED/CFL's. I also have an electric tankless water heater. This is hooked to (3) 40 amp breakers. I do have a 200 amp panel. Whenever the hot water is running, my LED lights flicker quite a lot. It seems to be even more pronounced with they are dimmed. Is there anything I can do to remedy this?
What are my options for dimmable recessed light bulbs, around 45 watts, for use in my kitchen? I'm putting 4 recessed cannister lights in my kitchen ceiling (as part of a remodel). We are putting them on a dimmer switch, but I've had problems finding dimmable bulbs that fit what I'm looking for. My parameters are as follows: 1. Around 45 - 50 watts (with 4 recessed lights in 9x9 kitchen, I don't think I need 65 watts for each bulb; however, I suppose it really does not matter if I get bulbs that are brighter -- like 65 watts might be easier to find -- since I can just keep them at 70% dim, and so they'll be equivalent to 45 watts) 2. Fully dimmable (I've read some bulbs that say they should only be dimmed to 50% because dimming them lower than that can significantly shorten their life, and would like the option to dimming them to a very low glow at times without worrying this will ruin the bulb) 3. Flood 4. Par30 (I think -- that's what the manufacturer recomments, but I'm thinking br30 or r30 or even par20 might work, so I might be open to options.par30 is recommended by the manufacturer of the lights, but I'm not sure whether not sure if I can or should consider (or equivalent -- I think BR30 or even R30 might work, not sure of difference) 5. Appropriate for kitchen (I found one light bulb that seemed to fit my specs, but then it said "not recommended for kitchen"-- I have no idea why it said that, but I guess now I have to worry about that, too.) 6. Not too hot. My kitchen ceilings are only about 8 feet high, and these lights may be positioned over where I'll be working at a counter, so I don't want something that will cause my head to get uncomfortably hot. I've read some lights -- LED, I think -- stay cooler than other types. I don't really know much about the different type of bulbs -- flourescent, incandescent, halogen, LED -- I just know what I want, a reasonable amount of dimmable light in my kitchen, and I'm not sure why I'm having so much trouble finding it. And I'd rather not spend a fortune per bulb if I can help it, unless the bulb offers extra life / reduced energy consumption makes up for it in the long run. Thanks
Halogen Vs Low voltage Vs Led? What’s the verdict these days for recessed ceiling lighting. I had low voltage in my previous house and liked them. I have led down lights in my outside porch and they are suitable for this purpose. Have halogens in my current kitched but not sure how they would be over a large area. What do you reckon?
Which of these bulbs would be a better option for my outdoor lighting project? I'm replacing the outdoor steps that lead to the front door of my house. There are eight steps, and I plan to place a recessed, wall-mount light above every other riser so that each light illuminates two steps. All four lights will be on the same side of the steps. The step treads will be 40" wide. These steps receive low traffic so they don't have to be overpoweringly bright, but of course, I don't want people stumbling because of poor lighting. I have two bulb options, and would like some opinion on which is the better fit for this project: * a 1.5-watt LED light that, according to the dealer, is equivalent to the light from a 20- to 25-watt halogen bulb. * a 4-watt LED light that, according to the dealer, is equivalent to to the light from a 35- to 40-watt halogen bulb.
LED light wiring and switch problem? Hi, we have replaced the regular recessed floods in our home office (4 of them on one circuit) with LED Dimmable bulbs. They are controlled by one dimmer switch and work just fine. We decided to try them in my kitchen to see how they would look and they would only work on 2 of the 5 cans on that circuit. those lights are controlled by 2 different switches. Each will turn them all on and off and one of the switches is a dimmer switch. Thinking the dimmer switch might be the culprit we swapped it out with a regular switch. In order to cut power to the lights from the electrical panel we had to cut off 2 circuit breakers (don't know whether that is normal or has anything to do with this). So, the question is, why would only 2 out of the 3 LEDs work in the ketchen when they all worked in the office and all of the incandescent bulbs work in the kitchen?
Need help to increase natural lighting in new kitchen? Hello all. We are currently about 2 months from completing our new home and our very concerned that we don't have enough natural light during the day. We want our kitchen to be a very bright and well lit room during the day without the need for artificial lighting. We went with a golden wall color and we get plenty of light into the adjacent living room and dining room. The kitchen itself has 2 small windows and faces west. Above the kitchen is a gameroom so that essentially rules out adding a sunlight. We could, potentially add a sun tunnel light but don't really have much space to run it down to the kitchen. What other options can you guys think of? What about replacing our light bulbs? We have 10 recessed can lights and 2 light fixtures in the kitchen. I assume the builder has put in standard bulbs. Would LED or any other bulbs do a better job? BTW, the pictures below were taked during a very sunny day and in real life the room is not that bright. Any help is appreciated! Thanks
One 100watt incandesent versus 10 x 10 watt LED bulbs? I have an issue, Due to my eyesight, I need alot of light to read. I have noticed that I need about 100 watts of brightness (incandescent) to read comfortably. I have a room with 10 recessed cans. If I put 10 (quantity) 10watt LED bulbs in each socket, will it put out all together the 100 watts of light that I need. I need to light this room with 10 recessed cans and I need 100 watts of lights and will save a lot if I use LED bulbs.
LED or Filament bulb? Hi,i wish to buy about 8 recess light but when i check on e-bay they all have LEDs of 1watt each! So i am not use to it i am not sure if the connection and the amount of light is same as a filament bulb,i will be very grateful if you could help me!all answer will be most appreciated!thank you! @ Dustinthewind....hi thank you very much for your help! And yes recess light is a type of light which we put in the roof of houses in fact the recess light has 3 LED each 1watt,economical for sure as u said but im not sure if this could light a room as bright as a filament would do!thank you again for your help have a nice day!
Replacing 50w MR16 halogens with LEDs? Let me preface by saying I'm not a electrician and am new to this recessed lighting game. But what I'd like to do is replace my existing 50w MR16 bulbs with a low energy option (like LED). I'm aware there could be some light appearance issues and the non-dimming factor, but can it be done? I have ELCO low-voltage lighting system, but not sure if the transformer will work with LED replacements. I assume, and correct me if I'm wrong, that if I try LEDs then the worst that could happen would be the LEDs don't draw enough power for the transformer to work and the lights just don't turn on? Thanks for any advice.
50W GU10 Halogen Alternatives? I have a basement full of 50W Halogen Recessed lights running on 120V through several dimmers (controlled in sections). Only problem is that they run incredibly hot, while the rest of the house is nice and cool the basement is running like a sauna. I'm looking for alternatives and so far I haven't found anything that would really solve the issue. I really don't want to rip up all the lights to replace them with something else. I've looked into GU10 versions of LED (3-6W, expensive, tall, not dimmable), CFL (~11W, tall, not dimmable) and even Xenon Filled bulbs that promise to run cooler but I haven't found any real data supporting it. I'd like to keep my dimmers if possible but I'm open to other suggestions. Even though I found dimmable versions of LED and CFLs, most of them are too large to fit in the standard housing (Catalina Lighting Recessed Housing) or only are available in 240V versions.
water damage insurance questions? Last night, my son got out of bed and played in the bathroom. He has never done this before but he apparently filled the sink with toilet paper which made it fill up to the point of overflowing. When i heard him playing in the hallway I got up immediately and saw that he was soaked and heard the water running. It was far too late- the water had filled the bathroom to about a 1/4 inch of water and it had flowed out to the hallway carpet, and worse flowed through the vent which led to our downstairs stairwell/hallway/laundry room. it was a water fall coming through the ceiling. The recessed lighting and dropped ceiling was was pouring water all over our hardwood floors, washer and dryer, living room rug and staircase. it even got through a bit to the basement. We spent hours removing vents, drying and cleaning everything and removing bits of fallen dropped ceiling, and set up fans and buckets to catch/dry up whatever was left but im sure it got under the floors and that there are areas we couldn't access in the ceiling that are damp. Here are my questions: 1. Today is Saturday and im not sure if i should call insurance today or wait til monday. 2. Im not sure if i should call insurance at all? Will it cover such an act? 3. We had not updated our insurance about the hardwood floors yet- so will that harm us when we call? 4. Is there the possibility of mold or other poisons in the air now? is it safe to be in the house? 5. How do i get the musty odor out of the house? 6. My son that did this has special needs (PDD NOS) so does insurance change its coverage based on that or would respite help the costs of cleanup? I really appreciate all and any help or advice. thank you!
Help with dimmer installation? I have a pass & seymour dimmer with nightlight single pole switch. Its the rocker style with led indicators on it. It will be running for a set of 4 recessed lights. So i have wires from the lights BLK,WHT and grnd. Then i have another cable(wires) coming from power white blk grnd. The switch has 3 wires red and blk next to each other at one end of the switch, and yellow alone at the other end. I have grnd bare wire also. I'm thinking the yellow is for Led (nightlight) not sure.
Mounting a tailgate skin ? I am having my tailgate skin out on my truck tomorrow and I am wondering if I should have my body shop cut through the tailgate so that I can get to the led's that are recessed into the top so that I can change them out. I don't want to pay 5000 dollars for a paint job and have to ruin it because my tail light went out and I end up having to cut the whole skin off!
What do you think of this? Cassandra lay awake, listening to the rain pounding down on the roof. She had been trying to go to sleep for four hours, but found herself unable to drift off whenever she closed her eyes. Her mind was racing with half formed thoughts that hid in the shadowy recesses of her brain, unwilling to come to light. Glancing at the red LED display of the clock on her bedside table, Cassandra could see that it was already two o’ clock in the morning. Sighing, she decided that it was pointless to even try to get to sleep. Even if she somehow managed it, she would only have a few hours of sleep before she had to leave to go to her morning classes at the university. Cassandra pulled away the blankets and got out of bed, every muscle in her body protesting the decision, aching from hours of tossing and turning as she had tried to get to sleep. After rubbing what little sleep there was from her eyes, she walked across her bedroom to the living room door. This is the first part of a science fiction horror story that I'm writing. I'm wondering if my writing style is alright, or if I should change it a little. Judas Rabbi: BITE ME.
Depressed for no apparent reason? I'm 15 (gonna turn 16 in a couple of months), and since as far back as I can remember, I've been chronically and acutely depressed for no reason, and if there were a reason, I seriously can't place my finger on it. As I grow older, it seems to be getting worse. My family's well off, I've got parents who love me and each other, very few friends, but the few that I have are very close to me.My grades at school aren't bad. And yet whenever I get into these bouts of depression, I begin to feel absolutely worthless and am visited all kinds of trashy thoughts that I would deem pointless were I in a better mood. I tell myself I have no talent, no future, no life, no love . . . Even though I get a strong urge to cry when I'm in these bouts, I hold it back with my life, because during and probably as a consequence of my depressive tendencies, I began to find solace in stoicism, and people around me complain frequently that I don't laugh or have any expression on my face . . . particularly my dad. I've realized that I've drifted away from my family insofar as the most they know of me is my name and probably what I used to be. A few of my close friends (they were unimaginably close) moved to a different part of the country and stopped contact with me within a few months, and that left me feeling like they never really cared much about me and stuff. Especially one of my friends, who's a girl. We were really close, and although I'd refute this, some of my other friends have suggested that I loved her. She moved to North Carolina and even though we were in contact for a long time over Facebook, recently she said something about not using the internet for a month because of a challenge from her friends, and I'm afraid because I think and know almost for certain that she's going to forget about me or just stop caring like everyone else. Six of my friends, all of whom I though I was really close to, moved away and lost contact with me. This is probably the closest I can get to relationship problems since I'm asexual, but anyway, it's as painful as any relationship problem probably is for a sexual person. To me, at least. It's painful because while they were important to me, and I avoid making friends because I consider them (this particular group of people whom I knew even before I learned to walk) my only friends, they're making all kinds of friends wherever they are. I'd be selfish to condemn that, but they're making new friends and forgetting their old ones. In fact, this has happened so many times that it's almost funny. Right now I have just two friends and one best friend, and although she's my best friend, she regards me in too frivolous a light to consider me capable of any emotion at all. When I'm in one of my better moods, that is, when I'm in the company of someone I truly love (a friend, or a close family member) I'm a funny, and if I may say, witty guy. Over time it's become apparent that that's the only side of me that everone sees. Many people at school go, "You're so unemotional," or "You never cry," and stuff like that, and those kinds of remarks have led me to lock away all emotion in the recesses of my mind and heart. I don't let anyone know I'm depressed, because in their eyes, and mine, there's no reason for me to be depressed. I can't tell my parents because they'd feel guilty that they did something wrong. Don't want counseling, because it'd hurt my pride and make me feel mentally ill despite the fact that I'm beginning to suspect that I am. Anyway, in introspection, I should be living a life as normal as any other person my age, and not wasting my teenage life like I did my childhood. So yeah, I think I've rambled enough, and I'll spare you the torture of further introspection. This is more of a catharsis than a question (I apologize for its length), because I haven't had a catharsis in years. Anyway, there are tons of people out there who've been through a lot (a lot, a lot, a lot) worse than I have, and it's really, really, really selfish of me to think that I've got problems, and that I keep thinking about myself all the time, even though the thoughts are self-deprecatory. Opinions are appreciated.
Separation of Church and State? Not for Islam? The ACLU is ready to attack any Public Christian activity, where are they at times like this? Carver Elementary - San Diego Public School Bows To Sharia June 12, 2007 - San Francisco, CA - PipeLineNews.org - Those having doubts that New York Department of Education's proposed Arabic school - Khalil Gibran International Academy - will inevitably turn into a madrassah should consider how a similar experiment in the San Diego Unified School District is turning out. In September Carver Elementary school [kindergarten - eighth grade] accepted nearly 100 students from a failed charter school which served a Somali Muslim constituency. The school population now numbers approximately 400. Though these kids are now being educated within the wall of Carver, they have not been incorporated into the main student population and operate as a school-within-a-school, segregated elite with special privileges. The controversy became a matter of public record when a substitute teacher Mary-Frances Stevens made a report to the local school board in which she claimed that Carver's Muslim children were being led in Islamic prayer by a teacher's aide. Steven's, who subbed at the school on March 8 stated that the lesson plan she was given included the allotting of one hour for prayer. The teacher's allegation of religious indoctrination led to an investigation. In true multicultural fashion, the school has gone to extreme lengths to accommodate its new students; the curriculum features the teaching of Arabic - the language of the Quran - single gender classes for girls as well as organized prayer...for Muslims only. A new dhimi class schedule - expressly designed to kow tow to Carver's new students - was instituted. It created an extra 15 minute recess period as part of an hour set aside so that Carver's Muslims can pray en-masse while in class. Additionally, the school cafeteria menu no longer serves pork or other foods which conflict with fundamentalist Muslim diet restrictions [halal]. Even Carver's "winter holiday" celebration has not escaped the wrath of this brand of extreme multiculturalism, ripping the heart out of what was formerly the Christmas holiday by injecting extraneous cultural artifacts; as the San Diego Union Tribune notes: "The school's winter holiday celebration featuring multicultural performances was a big hit. African-American, American, Muslim and other traditions were celebrated. "Carver has always been sensitive to the different cultures and always looked at the variety of cultures we have as an enrichment, not a problem," teacher Pamela de Meules said." [source "District wants to provide options," by Helen Gao http://www.signonsandiego.com/news/education/20070412-9999-1m12carver.html] Confronted by an apparent double standard which elevates Muslims over Christian and Jewish students, school principal Kimberlee Kidd attempted to explain, "I think there are so many misconceptions." The actions taken by Carver's officials have made them agents whereby Sharia [Muslim religious law] has been extended into a region of the public domain where heretofore an ACLU interpretation of church-state separation has prevailed. On that note, the local ACLU is still "considering" its options in this matter…don't hold your breath. The unequal treatment on display at Carver is manifest, especially when seen in the light of how requests by Christians who have petitioned to have their prayer needs accommodated are routinely denied by public school officials. It goes without saying that public school cafeteria menus have seldom if ever been modified to accommodate the religious needs of Orthodox Jews who also must not eat pork.
How do I locate the wires for my flat ceiling and install downlighters? I have recently moved into a flat, and live between two other flats so one above and one below. The floor is definitely concrete so I assume the ceiling is also, its more difficult due to the appalling arttexting to tell. The current light is a cheap ikea 4 bulb halogen set that makes the room very dark I wish to replace this with downlighters. My question is if anyone could be so kind to help is? How do I locate the wires in the ceiling, I can’t possibly imagine the wires to be embedded in the concrete ceiling, that would mean some special forward planning by the builders (the flat is 11years old)? Secondly do I need to build a false ceiling for halogen lights or is it better or more cost effective to buy these pod down lighters, similar to cabinets ones which do NOT recess into the ceiling? Thirdly would it be a better option to get LED ones? although more expensive and I assume I would need more to produce the same amount of light.
What do you think of what I wrote? I usually write poetry, so this short story (or whatever you'd call it) may not be great. But what do you think about this? Any grammar I should fix? Plot? 1-10? Thanks. ______________________________________… I was nine. I had just come home from school, and my mother, sister, and brother all sat on a window seat that was cuddled near the staircase that lead to the second floor. My brother actually wasn't sitting on the window seat, he had broken his leg and was in his wheelchair across from it. It was in the fall, right before my mother's birthday, when the leaves change colors and there's very peaceful weather here. I don't remember a lot about this particular day, but the little details aren't what make it important. My father was not home. I do not recall if this was before my parents separated, or after. What did it matter? He wasn't there. My family was having a simple conversation about their day. It was pleasant. My kitchen was warm and the light illuminated the copper cooking pots and countertops just right. There was no reason for my nine-year-old self to be upset. But as my family began to dissemble and do what they needed, I could feel a frown tugging on my face. Back then I suppose I wasn't good at hiding what I felt. "What's wrong Danielle?" My mother was really concerned. "Nothing." The frown's pull on my face gained five pounds. "Are you sure?" "Yeah.." Five more. "Do you need to talk about it?" She touched my hand. I started to cry. My mouth hurt from this sadness that was so heavy. It pushed on my face, weighed on my shoulders. I didn't think it natural. I let myself collapse into my mother's arms. She led me to my brother's makeshift room downstairs, it was easy to get to because of his wheelchair. My mother closed the doors, and took her place beside me. By then, I think I had given up trying to hold back. I cried and cried and cried; I was so sad. My momma held me and she didn't let go until I was better. She talked to me in the softest and most gentle tone, and I was so embarrassed. I was so embarrassed that I was so weak when she was so strong. I'm only vaguely aware of what brought on this plague of sadness. I knew I was different than everyone at my school. They were not growing up with parents like mine. That fought and threw punches. They never had to hide in the attic when they fought. I was teased for being different. Different because I played horses at recess, because I wanted to be beautiful like the ones at my house. I cried and cried and cried; and you know, I do remember how I felt. I felt like a half-empty girl with a half-empty existence. I thought if I had been born in any other family, poor or rich, I would've been something great. I guess, as a nine-year-old kid, I felt my future slipping vaguely away. She comforted me until I was dry heaving tears. There simply weren't any left. I was shaking and peaceful blue spots blurred my vision. When I composed myself, there was a deep ache in my heart. But I didn't cry anymore. My mother smiled at me, and I went to bed. She went to bed. Just like that, it was over. It's been seven years now. It' s the fall again, but my brother's not in a wheelchair and it's after my mother's birthday. We're in a different house without the big yard, and the trees are black, burnt toothpicks. I can't say that anything like that with my mother ever happened again. My parents are divorced, and they hate each other. Their entire lives have become consumed with making the other unhappy. Or getting what they want. Money. Power. Land. We don't gather around and talk about each other's day anymore. I grew up without a father, and still am. I think the effects of this become more evident everyday. Not to say I'm not happy. I'm in the top ten of my class at school with a 4.39 GPA. I'll apply to Ivy League schools next year. I'll become a doctor with a musician's heart. I have a Mercedes-Benz coupe to drive around in. I'm a hell of a guitar player, visual artist, and photographer. I have a job and food in my stomach. But what do I feel when I come home? I can't cry to my mom if school's getting hard, or if a boy broke my heart. I couldn't tell my parents my dreams, I couldn't have parents that supported them either. Poor little privileged girl. But do you blame me? For being half-empty? For wanting this? Whatever it is? I suggest you give whatever it is to whomever it may concern. Because you don't know what people will hold onto and what they will let go of.
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